little anecdote

The Betties beat GNR again this weekend, 175-129. Once again, it wasn’t even that close. Scald Eagle likes to score 30-point jams at the end of a game whether her team is down by 100, 80, or 27. And I can’t say I blame her – the people love it! And once in a while, it wins the game for you! No pirouettes this time, though, as far as I can remember.

As far as my own performance is concerned, I feel like I did my best, and my best was more than acceptable. Beyond what I accomplished or didn’t accomplish on the track, however, it was a pretty difficult bout for the Betties who aren’t at the top of the roster. Out of the 16 people rostered, I think 12 skated.

I wasn’t written into the lineups at all.

It’s hard to tell whether to be discouraged because I wasn’t on them, or to be encouraged because once I was subbed in, they kept putting me out until I had three minors. I was in four jams: that’s four more than four of my teammates.

But I feel like, really, I did well when I was out there. Too far out ahead sometimes (always), but staying low, keeping my feet, being basically where I needed to be. Jammer forceout. Caught another blocker to slow the pack during a power jam. Basically doing things right. At no point did I screw the pooch.

There was one jam where two of our blockers and our jammer were in the penalty box, and Eagle got 20 points – but those points aren’t on me. Your goal in this situation is to curb the bleeding, and not to compound the damage by doing something stupid and going to the box yourself. Mission accomplished. For the rest, all you can really do is try to slow that girl down. Being on the wrong side of a power jam with a blocker disadvantage against a world-class jammer is kind of like being a goalie in a penalty kick situation - You try to work your angles and percentages and hope for the best.

Okay.

Now we have Championships in a month, and this business is serious. If I want to have any kind of role in that game, I need to be ready to do everything I can to help win it. The Betties have won every odd year in Rose City Rollers history, and we’re ready to end that trend this year. First time to repeat. But if I barely got to play in semis, apparently I’ll have to do a lot to prove that I’m worth playing in the most important game of the year.

More skating. More training. Just a little more. Just one more month.

I really want to play.

For the last few months, I’ve really been beating myself up -  mostly emotionally, and especially in a derby context.  I’ve been of the mind that I’m not very good at roller derby.

That’s stupid. My captains want to win games, and the Betties are good at winning. They’re not going to roster and play me if I suck.

Also, I play for a home team on the Rose City Rollers. It’s not the travel team, but it’s a lot more competitive most smaller leagues in existence.  Maybe I was among the slower people in the “fast” group at endurance practice – the faster people just happened to be Eagle, Acid, and Sully.  You can’t grade yourself on the curve with that kind of competition.

So, I’m trying to start a positive feedback loop to drown out the negative one that’s been droning for months.

No more: you fell down again/you should have known better (i.e., you’re stupid)/you’re trapped and you screwed up the power jam for everyone/you let her by/you screwed up/you screwed up.

Yes more: you held the line/you worked well with your partner/good hit/smart move/being aggressive/you look good in those shorts/you did something good/something went well.

But it’s always: we’re gonna win. Even when I don’t have faith in myself, I have faith in my teammates.