Feeling cashy lately? Want to waste money on roller derby? It’s super easy to do! Follow these tips, and you’ll be clearing out your checking account in no time.
Buy skates without getting fitted or consulting a professional
Who orders $200+ items from the internet without knowing for sure if they’ll work right? Roller derby newbies, that’s who. Skates are in men’s sizes, and they’re not supposed to fit like shoes, but go ahead and make your best guess as to what size to get and what brand will suit you.
Buy crappy gear, especially knee pads
Your knees will hurt, and you will replace them. Boom. There goes $35. You’re welcome.
Convince your team to get several new uniforms every year
Obviously, you need a new uniform every year. Why not get a few colors? And matching helmets? And matching socks? And get special shirts made up. How about special shirts made up for a second-half outfit change EVERY BOUT?
Buy a t-shirt from every league you come across
Precious memories, sitting in a drawer. Weird how you can go through so many clothes in a week, but you can barely make a dent in that derby t-shirt stash.
Drink only bottled water
Or, buy a really fancy water bottle and neglect to wash it weeks at a time until it’s so disgusting it can’t be saved.
Don’t clean your stuff, ever
Just buy new bearings and wheels and skates and wrist guards when you reach the end of your rope.
Take as many supplements as possible with minimal research
Did someone suggest you take branched chain amino acids? You definitely need Vitamin D and Calcium to keep from breaking bones. And protein powder to build muscle. Wanna go out for a smoothie? Have you tried Guarana? What are electrolytes? I don’t know, but they’re completely awesome!
Don’t put your name on your stuff
Do not mark your skate tool with your name, but do leave it at your bench during scrimmage. Keep chatting it up after practice – you probably got both wrist guards in your bag.
Buy as many new wheels as possible, but do not try them beforehand
Your buddy likes the newest and shiniest thing, so you probably will, too. You’ve been meaning to get another pair that will work well for concrete, because you have two sets you use that you like OKAY but aren’t perfect. Keep chasing that dragon.
Don’t do any planning for your derby trip
Just go with the flow! You’ll be with your buddies, so it’ll all work out.
But seriously, what pitfalls would you avoid before you spend more of your hard-earned money on derby stuff?